The Review:
"Hunted: The Demon's Forge" , (WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, IS BEING SOLD FOR UNDER 4 USD USED AT THE MOMENT, HOLY FUCK, IF YOU DON'T BUY IT, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST THROW YOURSELF IN FRONT OF A HERD OF SHEEP WITH A SIGN SAYING, "I'M A FACKING DUMBASS THAT DOESN'T LISTEN TO REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET". I PAID NEARLY 8 USD FOR THIS SHIT, YOU FUCKERS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT.) is the tale of two traveling mercenaries, Caddoc, a tough, surly, deadpan ex-soldier with an unhealthy obsession with being didactic, oh, and gold, too; and E'lara, one of the few remaining elves left in all of *mumble mumble cough cough* land, she's feisty, rambunctious, and hasty, whom also has an unhealthy obsession with gold and dragging Caddoc into bad situations (but not the Daphne from Scooby-Doo type of dragging, where she's a dumb bitch that fucks everything up constantly, more of a, "Saw that coming, but hey, at least she's not Daphne"), being ejected from pubs for flinging drunken aspersions and performing other scurvy deeds.
The Prologue:
One day they find themselves listening to Caddoc babble on about how in a recurring dream he's been seeing an absurdly disproportional pale white vixen feeding the usual, "Come with me, you'll come and see, a place called Candied Islan..." sorry, wrong thing, anyway, the usual fantasy setup, and E'lara for the most part, ignores this as a drunken vision.
BUT OH SHIT, SHE'S PROVEN WRONG.
THE LADY'S REAL.
AND SHE IS JUST AS DISPROPORTIONAL, IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN FUTA COMIC.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
Continuing, the gruesome twosome come upon a "Death Stone", an emerald stone shaped like a skull, that can do... something with death. HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE NAME. Anyway, the disproportionate lady tries to convince Caddoc to pick up the Death Stone, to seal some agreement for enormous riches and magic and blah blah blah. BUT WAIT, both being dubious, Caddoc wishes to approach the situation with his usual candor and interrogates the futa sans penis lady, however, E'lara, with her rambunctious vivaciousness the equivalent of urination down the throat of the the rule-makers, grabs the stone, AND SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT'S NEVER REALLY EXPLAINED, something with the elf touching it made it bad, or something? I dunno. Skies turn dark, typical ominous stuff, futa sans penis lady says she wasn't supposed to touch it, and that's why she was addressing Caddoc in the first place, with regards to the stone. Cue ominous statement, "Oh no, he knows!", and so begins our tale.
The Characters.
Caddoc.
Caddoc is a man who has seen some shit. In his youth, he served in whatever the equivalent of the army is in this game, and off of a brash decision as head of his squad, heavy casualties were suffered.
It is for this reason he is now the "calm, coolheaded, didactic" man he is today.
Look at that man. You wish you had half the penis he had.
He is on the cautious side, and for some reason he and E'lara travel as mercenaries, and for this reason, their two personalities clash in sometimes hilarious ways. One could say he is infatuated with the "lily white ass" of the futa sans penis lady, but he and E'lara repeatedly deny he'd put a woman over gold.
Throughout the game, he uses a crossbow, and various melee weapons with a shield. Sometimes he switches out a more powerful crossbow, if you so choose, and can exchange shields at any time to restore the durability, infrequently the shields have a bonus, such as fire resistance or added armor.
Key point: He can change melee weapons from maces, swords, or axes, speed and power differences.
E'lara.
E'lara is one of the last few of the elves of this world, and she usually makes it pretty obvious when it comes up, with remorse, of course (hehe rhyming). Now, E'lara is an interesting individual, the usual chatter between her and Caddoc involves jocular comments from her, with serious retorts from Caddoc, pretty much an exact recreation of Denz de Bayle and Esteban Noviembre, except Caddoc has a bit more liveliness. E'lara is a majorly ranged character, using various bows, and a sword with a shield as well. Sometimes swords can be switched out for a new powerful and pretty one, shield exchange is the same.
Ah, as you can tell, she is also ridiculously disproportionate, look at dem boobies and ass. I'm sorry, I am objectifying a video game development object. (Totes Haxx0r lingo there.)
Key Point: She can change bows from longbows to shortbows, and one in between, power and speed differences.
The Official Story:
After the Prologue, the mercenaries go after the riches and power promised through the apparition, she claims that there is an unspeakable evil, whisking away towns and their people, her "body" being one (she is supposedly connecting to them through the Death Stone, in some form of an astral projection), and her father being the town mayor of the town of her origin. The mayor supposedly has an inordinate amount of gold and wealth that he can part ways with in order for them to retrieve his daughter.
Of course, both of them jump on this, as they both like shoving gold up their anus to tickle their pleasure tubules.
They had to the town of whatever, "Lyle"?, or something? They fight forward, and they meet this fucker:
YOU SEE THIS?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
IT'S A MUTHAFUCKIN' WARGAR.
HE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
Nah, not really, they're pretty damned weak.
They're grunts, nothing special to see here.
Crossbows, swords, shields, nothing too hard to handle.
 |
| Fig 1.1 |
Now, the rest of the enemies in this game are pretty much derivatives (or integrals, for you mathematically inclined hootenannies, since it's more of an upgrade, really, Basic Wargar are pretty much the third derivative of the various wargar. Fig. 1.1)
Now, continuing onto the story, the mercenaries fight their way towards the center of the town, rumored via their intuitions and the townsfolk/guardsmen, to house the mayor. One, if you take notice of the destitute living conditions the lay-people live in, (the squalor is ubiquitous, but there are pretty much three avatars in the game anyway, citizens, i.e. peasants, king/mayor, and guardsmen), you get there, and he is the definition of a fat cat, whose adulation extends to money and his daughter, man practically lives on fucking gold (lore in menu provides information on him/that). Your characters haggle with him on how much money he will pay for his daughter. He then, reluctantly capitulates to 10 000 [arbitrary fantasy currency] each. He leads them to the backways of the town through the sewers, or whatever, then begin the riddles via the talking walls shaped like faces. Some don't rhyme, I'm very sad.
IMMEDIATELY (since, I'm using "Now" too much), they progress through the sewers passing by skeletons that can be summarized in the same calculations provided above, as well as "arachlings", something Caddoc dislikes, as well we witness E'lara has a fear of heights, of which I shall call: vertical agoraphobia. Also known as "Acrophobia". Witty retorts and conversations, hidden treasures, with more riddles, nothing too complex, if you can't do it, you should probably just give up and will probably continue crying in your sleep because you'll never live up to your father's expectations, you know who you are.
Random encounters with the futa sans penis, as they follow the trail of prisoners they discover in the sewers being led into the depths. They encounter the 4th tier wargar, teleporting and shit, as well as second tier ("snipers") and third tiers. Death Stone communication on the 4th tier reveals that a chemical/liquid called "sleg" is increasing the obstreperousness of the wargar, and this liquid is being given to those who provide slaves to their lord, REVELATION: They're organized!
AWWWWWWW SHIT
They continue forward, they encounter something the wargar are feeding, "The Queen of Darkness", which is basically a giant spider with a giant vagina for a face. Then there's like, three opportunities where slaves are being led through an area where wargar are the surrounded guard, and you can kill them, but I'm guessing with my best professional opinion, learned helplessness has gotten to them, so they continue their solemn march, looking like tall sad teenagers. Eventually, after a bunch of fighting and discovering of treasures, and whatnot, they reach an open cavernous clearing, obviously the sign of a large boss fight, I mean, come on, most common trick in the video gaming codex. RUN FROM THE GIANT WALKING VAGINA, easy bossfight, simply shoot at it some, then you shoot the stalactite above it's head, aaannnddd boom goes the dynamite. Ever wondered what a penis coming from the inside of a vagina looks like? No? Good, you're not entirely a sick fuck. BUT CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU GET TO SEE IT.
And enter the "lily white ass", says some bullshit, look at dat ass... You continue on your way, more lines of depressed slaves, lily said something about her body being moved towards some town, so you head that way.
THROUGH THE FOREST, you happen upon a bunch of guardsmen being bombarded by their own trebuchets, and of course, as the protagonist, you have to do everything! Then, you stumble across an exchange between Minotaur and the wargar, the wargar are exchanging slaves for the sleg, here, it is revealed, that Minotaur are the major reason the elves are near extinct, so of course, E'lara attempts to disrupt the meeting, against Caddoc's warning. But wait, there's more! The ledge they are standing is compromised when they knock down a rock! The Minotaur see the two, believe they'd been tricked by the wargar, commence to attack the column you are on and the wargar themselves. Minotaur are easier than they seem simply because, as you can expect, they're slow, but your dodging animations aren't spectacular either. The next time E'lara sees futa sans penis, she expresses her outrage at not being told they were involved, of course, Caddoc demands that anything else they should know about he know then.
And onward, the two continue forward through the temple, (did I mention they were in a temple?) onto the docks, towards the town Seraphine (futa sans penis, had to look that name up, laugh laugh) says her body has been taken to. As you approach the docks, you see some lady, hooded, with some weird ass staff that's got a goddamned face on it. A weird fight ensues where she teleports in both, an annoying, and weird looking fashion. And her staff has a fucking screaming face on it. Turns out, though, that the "headless women" all the drunkard dead people (if you've been using the lore of the Death Stone bodies) keep referencing, are these people. In order to serve their lord, the women must sacrifice their head, it is placed upon their staff, and they wear some hood with eyes in it.
At the docks, however, they see that the town they are headed to is in flames, as the smoke pours forth into the sky, it is under siege! MY GOD, MAN.
The city is in flames, and you approach the center of town towards the king's location, (given to you by the guards alive), and along the way, you see dragons, MY GOD, MAN. After initial not-encounters with them, you continue, but then see a towering figure, an ogre (which is only seen twice for some reason, and never fought).
SPOILER ALERT: SOUND THE KLAXON
Soon, they find the king underground, and in his company, is Seraphine, the mayor's daughter, but it turns out she is not hugely disproportionate, and that she is someone completely different. My goodiness, the "astral projection" was someone else!
SPOILER ALERT OVER
They are convinced, without reward (since the reward was for the safe return of the mayor's daughter), to continue to the temple, and end the evil that the king had created. Previously, in a siege before the current one, conducted by the dragons, he gave the town's Death Stone to the "Dragonhunter", in order to kill the lead dragon conducting the last siege. But then things went bad, he became tainted, absorbed in power, and began this mass crusade against everyone.
They continue to the slave-constructed temple, another area that includes the weird learned helplessness slaves with dead wargar, approaching the depths.
Fighting with no real surprises, some mechanics but nothing complicated.
SPOILER ALERT: SOUND THE KLAXON
Turns out the whole time Seraphine had been using the two to kill him, as some act of vengeance, he claims, since he killed her, his lover, after he slew the dragons. THE FIGHT ENSUES. Caddoc has to push pillars over when pencil-dick is recovering, and E'lara has to make sure his health somewhat stagnates as to allow the pillars to do real damage.
After you win, Seraphine appears, and congratulates you on your victories, but there's three possible endings, depending on a few opportunities you may have taken earlier in the game.
SPOILER ALERT OVER
Game Mechanics and Combat:
Caddoc and E'lara have very different play styles, Caddoc, of course, being the melee fighter, is rewarded with upgraded heavy attacks if he can build up enough aggro; E'lara is rewarded by pretty much being invincible depending on how well you handle her archery.
Magic: There are a total of nine spells in the game: Sigil of Pain, Dragon's Tongue, Brimstone Something, along with character specific "battle magic", such as charge/fury/shockwave and explosive arrow/armor pierce/frozen arrow.
Battle Charge: After accruing enough Dragon Tears (collectibles throughout the game), you can perform a "battle charge", which is basically powering up the other character with the battle magic you've equipped at the time and you had charged.
Further down, with more Tears, you can perform a Spell Link, when both characters perform a "battle charge", the combined effects of the spells is personified in a floating skull following the character closest, dealing the respective spells' damage to the enemy.
Melee: Shields can lose durability, so they frequently must be switched.
Caddoc has multitudes of melee weapons to use, maces/axes/swords, that he can pick up from enemies, each with their own benefits. With enough Dragon Tears, two can be carried at once. Charges, such as ice/fire/poison can also be found on weapons.
E'lara is stuck with a sword, upgraded per chapter.
Dodging and Cover: The dodge, sprint, and cover actions are all activated with one button, like Gears of War, and it works relatively well, however, in close quarters, near cover, sometimes when you mean to dodge you end up hugging a wall.
This game also has the hilarious ten-feet leap that Gears has when one hits the 'A' button far from cover and slides into it.
Ranged: E'lara excels at ranged attacks, being able to use slow, powerful longbows, medium range/medium power bows, or fast shortbows.
Caddoc is stuck with a crossbow, that is upgraded per chapter.
And I believe this part to be of special note: There are opportunities that vats of sleg are left for the two characters two drink, now the power given through this is pretty damned cool, invincibility (somewhat), and unlimited magic. However, its usage has an effect on the story, so choose wisely.
I give it 7.8 arbitrary things out of 8.3 arbitrary things.
Witty Catchphrase
I'm not sure what I'll review next time, I recently procured "Lord of the Rings: War in the North", and "Dead Space 2", but I've also a few other games I've completed that I can review.
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