Old Gems: "TimeShift" by Saber Interactive

Every now and then, one has to ask themselves, "Did I leave the stove on?" I know I do. And then I realize, I've never even touched a fucking stove.
This is what TimeShift is like. You don't know what the fuck the reviewer is talking about.
Continuing on, TimeShift is the typical tale of a paradoxical world coming about because some "Mad Scientist" archetype gets all megalomaniacal. And in this instance, he has the ability of time travel.

The Review: 
Story: The protagonist of this story, shown in the box-art, is a graduate student in advanced physics (like how to fix the neon letters that always break on signs) working under a (secretly megalomaniac) megalomaniac's projects, specifically on manipulation of time. At first, the Doctor creates a fully working alpha suit used for time travel, which is restrained to going to a time and coming back. So with the power of knowing all the results of WWII, the doctor goes back and wins it, and takes over. At this point, the present time, the grad students (there are three, one a love interest of the protagonist) are witnessing a total re-envisioned world where an old guy took over the entire world in WWII. But before the time manipulation can destroy the facility the students work in, the protagonist jumps into the beta suit, and jumps back to the time following the doctor. Now it is revealed at some point that the beta suit is much more apt for immediate time manipulation, i.e. can pause, slow, and reverse time at will for short periods, after which the suit must recharge, as well as having a built in AI that can warn the user from creating temporal paradoxes. However, in the jump back to the period of the alpha suit's arrival, the suit's prototypical qualities reveal themselves with the fury and qualities of a crack-addict's boner when a loud, fat woman rolls in on an electrical wheelchair at a Walmart when he's hiding behind the claw machine that eats quarters like a honey-badger eats wasps, becoming damaged and failing the full jump.

Big Screens for Big Brother

He finds himself in an alternate timestream ruled by the doctor, a dystopic world, wrought with the usual dystopic qualities, mandatory registration, big screens of the ruler talking constantly, raining all the time (but that may be because the game is based in England), and flying robots.
He is then recruited by the arbitrarily named and looking resistance, in which he shows that having shiny armor kinda makes you better than everyone else. They call him, "The fastest they've ever seen", since he can pause/slow time and shit.
You continue the fight with the resistance until you find the Doctor, who's been living inside of some giant metallic monstrosity throughout his reign, cough like a pussy cough (gotta have some "difficulty/objective", right?). Eventually, throughout your fight into the depths of the city, losing multitudes of allies, seeing the excess of squalor that all tyrants seem to misunderstand/never see, you reach the giant metal thingy. Through some typical boss-fight convoluted process, you defeat it, and kill the doctor, retrieving the pieces required to repair your suit so you can return to the future/original timestream.

SPOILER ALERT: SOUND THE KLAXON

You return to the future, finding your love interest asleep, as you wake her, she doesn't know who you are because of a time paradox, as your mask is removed, the AI warns a paradox is about to happen, and you are whisked away into the unknown. Haha, sucks for you, lover boy.

SPOILER ALERT OVER


Combat: This game uses the typical controls of the major FPS's, designated reload/switch weapon/sprint buttons/clicks, but also uses the "bumpers" of the controller (default) for time manipulation. A quick tap, versus a hold and designated buttons determines which would be most useful, Pause, Slow, Rewind. The AI of the suit also analyzes the combat scenarios, and determines which one would be most useful, allowing a simple quick tap for the best choice.

This is you on Guns.

Pause: This one has a few funny quirks. Pausing allows a delayed effect of deaths, i.e. you can shoot a whole clip into someone who is paused, and when it ends, they'll suffer all the damage at once. You can also take the weapon out of their hands, and melee, and whatnot. Or you can shoot the guns out of their hands, if you're a little bitch.

Slow: Nothing too special, you just move faster than everyone else, shown by everyone else slowing down.

Reverse: Basically, the "I fucked up" ability. If some catastrophic thing happens, such as a tunnel collapsing, you can reverse it and then run through it when it is returning to its original position. The AI is specifically programmed to prevent paradoxes from happening with this ability. So shooting and other abilities such as that are prevented.

My Take: I enjoyed this game. It was fun, it didn't get many good reviews, but that's kind of the point of these reviews, "Old Gems", it's kind of implied that I'm reviewing games that were largely ignored/rated badly, but are still fun. This game's cheap; you probably won't be able to find too many online players, but I've not tried since I first played it a long time ago. It's really one of those games that you get what you put in, it you try hard and don't take it seriously, you'll enjoy yourself, especially on the higher difficulties.
Unfortunately, however, there isn't much more I can add to this. There's nothing extremely different about this game. It's pretty normal, voice-acting is normal, story is rather normal, etc.
Definitely something that will help waiting for the next big games coming out.

Well, for the next week or two, I'm going to be playing God of War III, inFamous, and Dark/Demon Souls, since I recently purchased a Piss Tree (PS3); but I will hopefully get around to reviewing some other "Old Gem".

I give it 85 arbitrary things out of 92.47 arbitrary things


Witty Catchphrase

Update for Next Week:

• Tuesday: Old Gems Segment: "Timeshift"
• Apocolypto type time traveling rectification piece.

• Thursday: Book Review Segment: "God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything"
• One of my Favorite Horsemen, and one of my favorite books. 
• Eventually I'll get to books not about atheism, most likely the next review.
• And hopefully I'll be able to update the "Monster Blood Tattoo Trilogy" review with Lamplighter
• Friday: Something Unrelated.

OH SHIT, I HAVE 2 MINUTES TO POST!

Witty Catchphrase

Unrelated Shit: "Language, and Peoples' Errors that are Relatively Unknown"

First off, I'm going to say things that are absolutely erroneous, and if you ever use them you should feel like scum, because that's what you are:

1. Anyways. You see this shit? Stop it. It's "Anyway".
2. Lay vs. Lie. These two words actually require a little explanation.
1. Lay is a verb that is used for the object, e.g. "Lay the panties you stole from your mother's drawer over on the table and shave your beard, son, it's getting too long."
   The subject is you, implied by the imperative, and the object is your mother's panties that you stole so you could look at yourself in the mirror and touch yourself.
2. Lie is a verb that is used for the subject, e.g. "I am going to go lie down on top of the pile of cyanide-laced egg shells I've been collecting for the last three years in order to end your nagging."
   The subject is I, and the object is the cyanide-laced egg shells I've been collecting for three years in order to end having to endure someone's niggling personality.
3. And I really hate to have to say this, since I know, you, vous, ni, Sie, أنت, вы, my readers, are incontestably intelligent enough to know these differences:



This is you.
You should be ashamed.

1. You're/Your: You are, versus You [possess].
   As in:
1. "You're an asinine duffer, whose mind is inundated by nothing but nescience, if you don't understand these differences."
   I am saying you are an asinine duffer.
2. "Your mind is a terrible thing to waste, and not knowing these differences, might just be an omen that it's too late."
   Your mind belongs to you, for the most part, and it is you that I am addressing.
2. Than/Then: Comparison, versus Time.
   As in:
1. "My penis is bigger than yours."
   I am comparing, laughably, your penis, to mine.
2. "If your understanding of these verbs after this lovely little lecture is still devoid of substance, then you are a lummox."
   There is not a comparison here, I am saying, if you are this, it follows that you are that.
3. Whose/Who's: Possession, versus Verb Contraction.
   As in:
1. "My ladyfriend, whose alphabetical indexing of her cornucopia of DVD's is borderline obsessive, is actually a dude."
   I am talking about the ladyfriend's cornucopia, of which she owns.
2. "Who's been playing with my dildo? It smells like chocolate and shame."
   If expanded, this would say "Who has been playing[...]", that's it.
4. Two/Too/To: Number, versus Amount, versus Connector
   As in:
1. "It is debated whether Hitler had two balls."
   How many balls did Hitler have? The world may never know.
2. "I'm going to get you, and your little dog, too!"
   The Wicked Witch of the West is addressing Dorothy and referencing her dog, Toto, after.
3. "I'm going to Adam & Eve.com to see if their 13 inch dildo is available yet."
   This says that I am going into the interblag, specifically Adam&Eve.com, hoping that they have their 13 inch dildo available. Damn, do you know how hard it was to make that sentence without using "to"?
5. There/Their/They're: Place (In different categories), versus Possession, versus Verb Contraction.
   As in:
1. "There have been a lot of dildo references in this post, so far."
   I am saying, that in the location I am talking about, an oddly large amount of dildo references have been made.
2. "There was a nonillion dollars in their accounts combined."
   They have 1 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 USD (or 1 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 £ (Nonillion has two different meanings, fuck's sake.)) in a joint bank account they own.
3. "They're withdrawing their nonillion dollars, hilariously, since that would weigh a few *mumble mumble cough cough* pounds."
   They are withdrawing a lot of money from their accounts.
4. "Farther" and "Further":
1. Farther is a word used specifically for physical difference, but at times this can be blurred with figurative distance, in which further would be used. In those situations, it is up to you. That's seriously all I can give you.
1. "The "little-person" strip club is a little bit farther up the road."
2. "My ding-a-ling is further along in development than Jimmy's."

That's all for this week, folks.

Witty Catchphrase 

Book(s) Review: The Monster Blood Tattoo Trilogy, By D. M. Cornish

"Foundling", "Lamplighter ", and "Factotum", the books of the "Monster Blood Tattoo Trilogy", can be considered my favorite books. Unlike most trilogies, the second, in my opinion, was the best. Shit, almost cried at the end of it.

The Setting: 
This series is based on the adventures of Rossamünd Bookchild, a "foundling" (orphan) left upon the steps of a Foundlingery on a Half-Continent encompassed by oceans (as most continents are), a fantasy world full of alchemy, piracy on the high seas, "monsters", extreme sciences, and polarized wealth distributions reminiscent of the Industrial Age in England. It is an era of revolution, sciences are on the cusp of total renaissance; the poor are angry and afraid; the rich are oppressive, acrimonious, and vulpine; in the end, it is an almost perfect replication of current United States' society (When I review Dragon Age II, I will talk about how two of the three major periods of the game are almost perfect recreations/allegories of world events). There is a constant threwd above the society (threwd is a term used in the book for abstract fear, dejection, despair, weariness, et. al), one alleviated temporarily immediately after removal of nickers or bogles (different sized monsters, human size + and human size -, respectively) by lahzars (specifically fulgars and wits), calendars, or skolds, hunters of these beasts, using different means of entrapment/killing.

The Archetypes: 

I believe this to be of special notice, I did not define the terms above as to keep the sentences simple enough to follow without over-complicating things. Thusly,

• Lahzars: Monster Hunters who have surgically implanted (in certain domains of the world, since this is not a legal endeavor universally) artificial organs to grant special tools to combat the monsters. Examples include:
• Fulgars: Ones who have had such organs (combinations) implanted that they can control electricity, commonly referred to as lightning, through their bodies, such as flinging bolts, creating orbs of electricity, and charging skin, sometimes to the point of fatal charges for those in contact.
• Wits: Ones who have had such organs implanted that they can use their minds to instill fear, confusion, anxiety, and possibly death if used strongly enough.
• Calendars: Female Monster Hunters who dress flamboyantly and colorfully (as to attract attention for hiring and identification purposes) who are highly trained in melee combat.
• Threwd: This is what you could call, in the most approximate term, "unease".
• Bogles and Nickers: The monsters of the trilogy, the only distinction between the names is the size, their forms vary widely.
• Skolds: Monster fighters who use potives instead of artificial enhancements as weapons.

Other Important Terminology:

• Factotum: A close approximation of the middle ground between "apprentice" and "servant", in regards to Lahzars, they are usually in charge of their treacle mixing (see below).
• Treacle: A concoction specific to each lahzar's needs, used to keep the body from rejecting the artificial organs, as well as maintaining homeostasis with the organs inside.
• Lamplighters: Soldiers recruited through the empire, used to light the roads when night falls, as to aid travelers and warriors in transit and defense.
• Leer: Soldiers with chemically altered eyes, they come in two types: Laggards and Falsemen.
• Laggards: Simply men who can see farther through the enhanced aid.
• Falsemen: Men who can see the emotional changes in others, usually employed to detect lying and other moments of countenance treachery, Rossamünd has a very long, destructive journey with one, that culminates at the end of Book Two.
• Potives: Simply "potions", bottles of different mixed chemicals, usually thrown. Can be gaseous, acidic, explosive, or other combinations.

An important note, specialized terminology, diction, jargon, etc. of the book is Germanic, so some of these names and labels are self-explanatory for you Deutschlanders.

Honestly, I've not a damned clue when or why I was inspired to read this book, I can tell you it was before 2009, however. At the time, I just enjoyed the book, no big deal, in my opinion. I believe I'd forgotten about it until I went to Barnes & Noble and saw Lamplighter, then I remembered I had read it. 

Regardless, Onwards:

Rossamünd Bookchild (Bookchild was an arbitrary name given after he was left on the foundlingery steps) is the protagonist of the trilogy, and the... well, the fucking protagonist, so it starts with him.
The story begins with Rossamünd in a foundlingery, " Madam Opera's Estimable Marine Society For Foundling Boys And Girls", waiting, along with the others, to be "scooped up" by people passing through looking to recruit young men for various professions, lamplighters, vinegaroons (sailors), and sometimes habilists (scientists). Rossamünd is constantly made fun for his "girly" name, and is specifically hounded by the "bully" of the bunch; usually getting into physical altercations, broken up only by his few friends in the foundlingery, the masters of the institution itself.
One day, Rossamünd and his antagonist are engaging in their daily joust, when a stranger appears in the shadows of the room; both boys, knowing this is an opportunity of being taken away from the foundlingery, intensify their efforts, in an attempt to appear more apt for whatever position the man can offer (They suspect vinegaroon). At the end of the battle, and shortly afterwards, the stranger approaches the masters of the halls, Rossamünd is called in, and the stranger wishes to offer him a position as a lamplighter, employed by the empire.
Reading the description of lamplighter, one could possibly not be impressed, "Scoff! I say, lighting lamps is not difficult! How can a book come of this menial profession! Harrumph!" WELL YOU'D BE WRONG, STEREOTYPICAL BRITISH GUY, LIGHTING LAMPS IS NOT EASY (At least not in this universe). The Lollipop Guil- I mean, "Lamplighter's Employ", does involve simply lighting lamps amongst the conduits ("highways, main roads), but it also entails, in the areas of the lamps and along the roads designated, that they fight off monsters and shit.
With trepidation, Rossamünd agrees to the offer.
Rossamünd is then shipped off upon the Hogshead to reach his destination, with supplies from his masters. It is then that Rossamünd discovers that the ship is actually a slaver and black-trade vessel(specifically monsters), before he is enslaved completely to the captain Poundlich, the ship is attacked by Imperial Navy Rams; in the chaos Rossamünd is thrown ashore on a riverbank, from which he attempts to continue his journey to the Lamplighter's Housing, "High Vesting".
Through the wilderness, he continues, and stumbles upon powerful monsters, who almost kill him, almost, if not being saved by "Miss Europe", the Branden Rose, and her factotum, Licurius. Miss Europe slaughters a monster who was not involved in the attack, showing no hostility, it is this first encounter that Rossamünd shows a sympathy not characteristic of the common persons of the story.

The trio is then set upon by a more dastardly group of monsters, in which Licurius dies, and Miss Europe is severely injured from doing a explosive finale. Rossamünd is then technically employed as Miss Europe's factotum, after successfully brewing her treacle, at least until she can get to her lahzar-artz (The doctor who performed the implantation of her powers/organs, I made the word up myself, I done good). They continue into town, after resting, where Rossaümund takes up the typical factotum duties, hiring staff for the upcoming travels, moving bank accounts and claiming bounties, etc. En route to the docks, Poundlich, the asshole captain, believes he is the one who "ratted" out his cargo to the navy, and then ties him to a crate in the hold, and leaves him there (Who the fuck does that?). It is then that Rossamünd discovers that the hidden cargo is actually monsters and severed body parts, and the one inside the crate he is attached,is a glamgorn (friendly, human-like monster) called "Freckle". Poundlich then moves, and is then forced to pursue the escaped Rossamünd, right into the company of Miss Europe and their new "driver" Fouracres (What is with the names in this book?), and is promptly murdered by Miss Europe, who killed him softly.
Nah, he screamed and shit his pants.
Via his encouragement, Miss Europe aids in freeing Freckle from the hold, who had hinted that Rossamünd's name has a "special meaning", soon to be revealed.

When the trio reach Rossamünd's original destination, the Highmaster waiting for his arrival had left a week before, traveling further up the road in order to wait there. It is then that he and Miss Europe part ways, her leaving him an abundance of supplies necessary to reach his destination, along with a letter further expounding on herself, it turns out, she is "Europa", duchess-in-waiting for the throne of the city of Naimes.
He finally arrives, is written in and moved in to the boarding, it is here that a letter of duress is given to him from the foundlingery, saying that the master will be leaving shortly for his boarding.

End of Book 1!

My bit: Now, at the time I had read this book, I was still a little "amateurish" in my tastes and analyses of books I'd read, I'd simply read them, and put them on my bookcase. Of course, in retrospect, due to the retrospective analysis and looking glass of book two, and then subsequently three, I see what I missed. I really loved all three of them, and this one was surprisingly "high class", even for me, at the time.

Unfortunately, it has also been so long that I can not remember enough to give you an in-depth analysis of what I thought about the characters and their personalities.

However, I can quite surely attest this is how I looked at the end:

I like this a lot.

Old Gems: "Hunted: The Demon's Forge"

This wonderful little diddy into the dark fantasy world came out a few years ago, with a relatively high pre-release hype, even holding a contest for a grand prize of two HD TV's, two Xbox's or PS3's and two copies of the game, of which, I DID NOT WIN, NEGATIVE ARBITRARY THING TO YOU, DEVELOPERS.

The Review:
"Hunted: The Demon's Forge" , (WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, IS BEING SOLD FOR UNDER 4 USD USED AT THE MOMENT, HOLY FUCK, IF YOU DON'T BUY IT, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST THROW YOURSELF IN FRONT OF A HERD OF SHEEP WITH A SIGN SAYING, "I'M A FACKING DUMBASS THAT DOESN'T LISTEN TO REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET". I PAID NEARLY 8 USD FOR THIS SHIT, YOU FUCKERS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT.)  is the tale of two traveling mercenaries, Caddoc, a tough, surly, deadpan ex-soldier with an unhealthy obsession with being didactic, oh, and gold, too; and E'lara, one of the few remaining elves left in all of *mumble mumble cough cough* land, she's feisty, rambunctious, and hasty, whom also has an unhealthy obsession with gold and dragging Caddoc into bad situations (but not the Daphne from Scooby-Doo type of dragging, where she's a dumb bitch that fucks everything up constantly, more of a, "Saw that coming, but hey, at least she's not Daphne"), being ejected from pubs for flinging drunken aspersions and performing other scurvy deeds.
The Prologue:
One day they find themselves listening to Caddoc babble on about how in a recurring dream he's been seeing an absurdly disproportional pale white vixen feeding the usual, "Come with me, you'll come and see, a place called Candied Islan..." sorry, wrong thing, anyway, the usual fantasy setup, and E'lara for the most part, ignores this as a drunken vision. 

BUT OH SHIT, SHE'S PROVEN WRONG.

THE LADY'S REAL.

AND SHE IS JUST AS DISPROPORTIONAL, IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN FUTA COMIC. 

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Continuing, the gruesome twosome come upon a "Death Stone", an emerald stone shaped like a skull, that can do... something with death. HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE NAME. Anyway, the disproportionate lady tries to convince Caddoc to pick up the Death Stone, to seal some agreement for enormous riches and magic and blah blah blah. BUT WAIT, both being dubious, Caddoc wishes to approach the situation with his usual candor and interrogates the futa sans penis lady, however, E'lara, with her rambunctious vivaciousness the equivalent of urination down the throat of the the rule-makers, grabs the stone, AND SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT'S NEVER REALLY EXPLAINED, something with the elf touching it made it bad, or something? I dunno. Skies turn dark, typical ominous stuff, futa sans penis lady says she wasn't supposed to touch it, and that's why she was addressing Caddoc in the first place, with regards to the stone. Cue ominous statement, "Oh no, he knows!", and so begins our tale.

The Characters.

Caddoc.

Caddoc is a man who has seen some shit. In his youth, he served in whatever the equivalent of the army is in this game, and off of a brash decision as head of his squad, heavy casualties were suffered.

It is for this reason he is now the "calm, coolheaded, didactic" man he is today.

Look at that man. You wish you had half the penis he had.

He is on the cautious side, and for some reason he and E'lara travel as mercenaries, and for this reason, their two personalities clash in sometimes hilarious ways. One could say he is infatuated with the "lily white ass" of the futa sans penis lady, but he and E'lara repeatedly deny he'd put a woman over gold. 

Throughout the game, he uses a crossbow, and various melee weapons with a shield. Sometimes he switches out a more powerful crossbow, if you so choose, and can exchange shields at any time to restore the durability, infrequently the shields have a bonus, such as fire resistance or added armor. 

Key point: He can change melee weapons from maces, swords, or axes, speed and power differences.

E'lara.

E'lara is one of the last few of the elves of this world, and she usually makes it pretty obvious when it comes up, with remorse, of course (hehe rhyming). Now, E'lara is an interesting individual, the usual chatter between her and Caddoc involves jocular comments from her, with serious retorts from Caddoc, pretty much an exact recreation of Denz de Bayle and Esteban Noviembre, except Caddoc has a bit more liveliness. E'lara is a majorly ranged character, using various bows, and a sword with a shield as well. Sometimes swords can be switched out for a new powerful and pretty one, shield exchange is the same.

Ah, as you can tell, she is also ridiculously disproportionate, look at dem boobies and ass. I'm sorry, I am objectifying a video game development object. (Totes Haxx0r lingo there.)

Key Point: She can change bows from longbows to shortbows, and one in between, power and speed differences.

The Official Story:

After the Prologue, the mercenaries go after the riches and power promised through the apparition, she claims that there is an unspeakable evil, whisking away towns and their people, her "body" being one (she is supposedly connecting to them through the Death Stone, in some form of an astral projection), and her father being the town mayor of the town of her origin. The mayor supposedly has an inordinate amount of gold and wealth that he can part ways with in order for them to retrieve his daughter.

Of course, both of them jump on this, as they both like shoving gold up their anus to tickle their pleasure tubules. 

They had to the town of whatever, "Lyle"?, or something? They fight forward, and they meet this fucker:

YOU SEE THIS? 

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

IT'S A MUTHAFUCKIN' WARGAR.

HE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

Nah, not really, they're pretty damned weak.

They're grunts, nothing special to see here.

Crossbows, swords, shields, nothing too hard to handle.

Fig 1.1

Now, the rest of the enemies in this game are pretty much derivatives (or integrals, for you mathematically inclined hootenannies, since it's more of an upgrade, really, Basic Wargar are pretty much the third derivative of the various wargar. Fig. 1.1)

Now, continuing onto the story, the mercenaries fight their way towards the center of the town, rumored via their intuitions and the townsfolk/guardsmen, to house the mayor. One, if you take notice of the destitute living conditions the lay-people live in, (the squalor is ubiquitous, but there are pretty much three avatars in the game anyway, citizens, i.e. peasants, king/mayor, and guardsmen), you get there, and he is the definition of a fat cat, whose adulation extends to money and his daughter, man practically lives on fucking gold (lore in menu provides information on him/that). Your characters haggle with him on how much money he will pay for his daughter. He then, reluctantly capitulates to 10 000 [arbitrary fantasy currency] each. He leads them to the backways of the town through the sewers, or whatever, then begin the riddles via the talking walls shaped like faces. Some don't rhyme, I'm very sad.

IMMEDIATELY (since, I'm using "Now" too much), they progress through the sewers passing by skeletons that can be summarized in the same calculations provided above, as well as "arachlings", something Caddoc dislikes, as well we witness E'lara has a fear of heights, of which I shall call: vertical agoraphobia. Also known as "Acrophobia". Witty retorts and conversations, hidden treasures, with more riddles, nothing too complex, if you can't do it, you should probably just give up and will probably continue crying in your sleep because you'll never live up to your father's expectations, you know who you are. 

Random encounters with the futa sans penis, as they follow the trail of prisoners they discover in the sewers being led into the depths. They encounter the 4th tier wargar, teleporting and shit, as well as second tier ("snipers") and third tiers. Death Stone communication on the 4th tier reveals that a chemical/liquid called "sleg" is increasing the obstreperousness of the wargar, and this liquid is being given to those who provide slaves to their lord, REVELATION: They're organized! 

AWWWWWWW SHIT

They continue forward, they encounter something the wargar are feeding, "The Queen of Darkness", which is basically a giant spider with a giant vagina for a face. Then there's like, three opportunities where slaves are being led through an area where wargar are the surrounded guard, and you can kill them, but I'm guessing with my best professional opinion, learned helplessness has gotten to them, so they continue their solemn march, looking like tall sad teenagers. Eventually, after a bunch of fighting and discovering of treasures, and whatnot, they reach an open cavernous clearing, obviously the sign of a large boss fight, I mean, come on, most common trick in the video gaming codex. RUN FROM THE GIANT WALKING VAGINA, easy bossfight, simply shoot at it some, then you shoot the stalactite above it's head, aaannnddd boom goes the dynamite. Ever wondered what a penis coming from the inside of a vagina looks like? No? Good, you're not entirely a sick fuck. BUT CONGRATULATIONS, NOW YOU GET TO SEE IT.

And enter the "lily white ass", says some bullshit, look at dat ass... You continue on your way, more lines of depressed slaves, lily said something about her body being moved towards some town, so you head that way. 

THROUGH THE FOREST, you happen upon a bunch of guardsmen being bombarded by their own trebuchets, and of course, as the protagonist, you have to do everything! Then, you stumble across an exchange between Minotaur and the wargar, the wargar are exchanging slaves for the sleg, here, it is revealed, that Minotaur are the major reason the elves are near extinct, so of course, E'lara attempts to disrupt the meeting, against Caddoc's warning. But wait, there's more! The ledge they are standing is compromised when they knock down a rock! The Minotaur see the two, believe they'd been tricked by the wargar, commence to attack the column you are on and the wargar themselves. Minotaur are easier than they seem simply because, as you can expect, they're slow, but your dodging animations aren't spectacular either. The next time E'lara sees futa sans penis, she expresses her outrage at not being told they were involved, of course, Caddoc demands that anything else they should know about he know then.

And onward, the two continue forward through the temple, (did I mention they were in a temple?) onto the docks, towards the town Seraphine (futa sans penis, had to look that name up, laugh laugh) says her body has been taken to. As you approach the docks, you see some lady, hooded, with some weird ass staff that's got a goddamned face on it. A weird fight ensues where she teleports in both, an annoying, and weird looking fashion. And her staff has a fucking screaming face on it. Turns out, though, that the "headless women" all the drunkard dead people (if you've been using the lore of the Death Stone bodies) keep referencing, are these people. In order to serve their lord, the women must sacrifice their head, it is placed upon their staff, and they wear some hood with eyes in it.

At the docks, however, they see that the town they are headed to is in flames, as the smoke pours forth into the sky, it is under siege! MY GOD, MAN.

The city is in flames, and you approach the center of town towards the king's location, (given to you by the guards alive), and along the way, you see dragons, MY GOD, MAN. After initial not-encounters with them, you continue, but then see a towering figure, an ogre (which is only seen twice for some reason, and never fought).

SPOILER ALERT: SOUND THE KLAXON

Soon, they find the king underground, and in his company, is Seraphine, the mayor's daughter, but it turns out she is not hugely disproportionate, and that she is someone completely different. My goodiness, the "astral projection" was someone else!

SPOILER ALERT OVER

They are convinced, without reward (since the reward was for the safe return of the mayor's daughter), to continue to the temple, and end the evil that the king had created. Previously, in a siege before the current one, conducted by the dragons, he gave the town's Death Stone to the "Dragonhunter", in order to kill the lead dragon conducting the last siege. But then things went bad, he became tainted, absorbed in power, and began this mass crusade against everyone.
They continue to the slave-constructed temple, another area that includes the weird learned helplessness slaves with dead wargar, approaching the depths.
Fighting with no real surprises, some mechanics but nothing complicated.

SPOILER ALERT: SOUND THE KLAXON

Turns out the whole time Seraphine had been using the two to kill him, as some act of vengeance, he claims, since he killed her, his lover, after he slew the dragons. THE FIGHT ENSUES. Caddoc has to push pillars over when pencil-dick is recovering, and E'lara has to make sure his health somewhat stagnates as to allow the pillars to do real damage.

After you win, Seraphine appears, and congratulates you on your victories, but there's three possible endings, depending on a few opportunities you may have taken earlier in the game.


SPOILER ALERT OVER


Game Mechanics and Combat:
Caddoc and E'lara have very different play styles, Caddoc, of course, being the melee fighter, is rewarded with upgraded heavy attacks if he can build up enough aggro; E'lara is rewarded by pretty much being invincible depending on how well you handle her archery.
Magic: There are a total of nine spells in the game: Sigil of Pain, Dragon's Tongue, Brimstone Something, along with character specific "battle magic", such as charge/fury/shockwave and explosive arrow/armor pierce/frozen arrow.
Battle Charge: After accruing enough Dragon Tears (collectibles throughout the game), you can perform a "battle charge", which is basically powering up the other character with the battle magic you've equipped at the time and you had charged.
Further down, with more Tears, you can perform a Spell Link, when both characters perform a "battle charge", the combined effects of the spells is personified in a floating skull following the character closest, dealing the respective spells' damage to the enemy.
Melee: Shields can lose durability, so they frequently must be switched.
Caddoc has multitudes of melee weapons to use, maces/axes/swords, that he can pick up from enemies, each with their own benefits. With enough Dragon Tears, two can be carried at once. Charges, such as ice/fire/poison can also be found on weapons.
E'lara is stuck with a sword, upgraded per chapter.
Dodging and Cover: The dodge, sprint, and cover actions are all activated with one button, like Gears of War, and it works relatively well, however, in close quarters, near cover, sometimes when you mean to dodge you end up hugging a wall.
This game also has the hilarious ten-feet leap that Gears has when one hits the 'A' button far from cover and slides into it.
Ranged: E'lara excels at ranged attacks, being able to use slow, powerful longbows, medium range/medium power bows, or fast shortbows.
Caddoc is stuck with a crossbow, that is upgraded per chapter.

And I believe this part to be of special note: There are opportunities that vats of sleg are left for the two characters two drink, now the power given through this is pretty damned cool, invincibility (somewhat), and unlimited magic. However, its usage has an effect on the story, so choose wisely.

I give it 7.8 arbitrary things out of 8.3 arbitrary things.


Witty Catchphrase


I'm not sure what I'll review next time, I recently procured "Lord of the Rings: War in the North", and "Dead Space 2", but I've also a few other games I've completed that I can review.

Update for the Next Week!

This update is to designate what's coming up in the next week(s) (depending on how forward thinking I am):

• Tuesday: Old Gems Segment: "Hunted: The Demon's Forge"
• Dark fantasy world shooter/hack n' slash.

• Thursday: Book Review Segment: "The Monster Blood Tattoo Trilogy"
• Foundling, Lamplighter, and Factotum
• Wikipedia and other sites call this a "children's/young adult's high fantasy trilogy". Bullshit, these books are not meant for children, if anything it's meant for people on the cusp of adulthood.
• Big. Fucking. Words. Alert!
• Friday: Something Unrelated. Language, most likely.

AND DARE YOU ATTEMPT THIS QUIZ!?

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Unrelated Shit: "The Real Enemy to Gay Marriage: Apathy"

April 1, 2001.

June 1, 2003.

June 30, 2005.

(Or June 8, 1901)

July 20, 2005.

November 30, 2006.

June 17, 2008.

May 1st, 2009.

December 21, 2009.

(Ceremony in Mexico City, but recognized throughout country)

June 5, 2010.

June 27, 2010.

July 22, 2010.

June 7, 2012.

These are the dates that Gay Marriage was legalized in these countries.

And these are the states in the United States of America that have legalized, within their jurisdiction, Gay Marriage.

This is not a piece on how we can "fix" gay marriage, or achieve equality for those seeking it, but how we can fix ourselves, if we really want to help the movement.

Recently, Chick-Fil-A came under fire again for the current owners' comments on gay marriage, and their support for one of the 8 different types of "Biblical Marriages". Now, if I remember correctly, this same event(s) occurred in the beginning of 2010-2011, when an "independent operator in Pennsylvania supplied food to an event sponsored by a group formed to defeat same-sex marriage initiatives"; and when it was also reported "that Chick-fil-A's WinShape Foundation did not admit gay couples to marriage counseling."

The title I've attributed to this piece is the message I am aiming for, Gay Marriage's greatest enemy is not the Christian Right, Fundamentalist Islam, Gang Violence, Migrating Beavers, or Gazelle Stampedes, it's us. We are letting it down, again and again. This generation is acting under the assumption that rights for minorities that are ostracized and attacked can be petitioned into legislation, that rights can be achieved in one lifetime, or even a decade.

The first slaves were brought to North America in 1619, it took nearly 345 years before they even got to enjoy some of the liberties they have, and we have, today: desegregation, equal opportunity schooling, and equal opportunity voting.

Now. "People" always complain about the next generation. Always. This is not new, "Roarin' Twenties" and the 30's had the flappers, the 50's the beatniks, the 60's the civil rights activists, the 70's the hippies, the 80's the metalheads, the 90's the "grunge generation", and finally, we've the millenials. The real problem people have with this generation, is not so much that they're desensitized to so much via the news, ungrateful for all the things they have, or that they're fucking stupid, the underlying factor that this is all stems from, that is shown time and time again in their failings, is that they just don't care. The flappers were fighting for womens' rights, the beatniks were fighting for freedom of expression (somewhat), the civil rights activists were earning their name, the hippies wanted to end Vietnam and spread peace, the metalheads just wanted to lighten up the place and enjoy themselves, and the grunge were a bunch of whiny little teenagers with terrible fashion sense, but, they cared.

What have we now? Sure, they're ungrateful:

And quite possibly largely stupid compared to the rest of the modern world:

Yet this all is exemplified by an earlier "travesty" committed this year:

They don't care enough.

And for those who do, it's the "wrong" way.

No not the Hell part, the Boner part, damn hormones in foods.

It's a peculiar phenomenon, exemplified best by this: 

I always hear this argument:

Why does it matter what these people do, it doesn't affect you, it's not your problem! This isn't an issue that affects you!

This argument is ignorant, and it obviously just doesn't work. 

It's extremely obvious that they are making it their issue; and that they are using this philosophy to their advantage. Advocates are using the "Apathy" approach, or under it's euphemistic terminology, the "Live and Let Live" philosophy. Yes, this is a good philosophy, when the actions are legal (Not moral or anything abstract, simply legal). But when it is being used for advocating for a legalization of anything, it fails horribly, because the advocates, using the politically correct "apathy" approach, i.e. pretending to ignore it, are fighting against people who actually care about the outcome of the legalization, it's like Europeans fighting for womens' rights in Southwest Asia, it's the "Live and Let Live" (Europe is one of the worst victims of the "Political Correctness Disease") argument, yet they are fighting against a culture that has oppressed them for millenia, one that seriously cares about the outcome.

I'm not claiming I'm perfect, (I am), or that you are a terrible sack of shit for possibly not caring enough (You probably are), I'm claiming, that in order for Gay Marriage to become a federal reality in the United States, we need to stop tolerating intolerance. 

We need to care more than the other people, who have obviously made it their problem.

We need to be more informed, trying to save Gay Rights, or promulgate them in the first place, requires knowledge of what is being supported.

And lastly, We, the People, need to recognize, need to care, need to understand, and need to "Live and Let Live", but most importantly, we need to fight for that right.


Witty Catchphrase

Thanks for reading.

Book Review: "The End of Faith", by Sam Harris

Genre: "Religion and Philosophy"

   Nonfiction

This book is one of my favorites in the nonfiction category.
It has all the things I love in writing:

1. Big. Fucking. Words. (Or words not every person knows)
2. Sentences that take up halves or wholes of pages.
3. A topic and diction/syntax for intellectuals. Is it obnoxious? Who gives a shit?
4. The challenge itself to the Political Correctness Disease™.
         A great book for that topic: "While Europe Slept: How Radical Islam is Destroying the West from Within", by Bruce Bawer.

The Premise: Sam Harris, at the forefront of the "New Wave of Atheism", as one of the Four Horsemen (Hitchens, Dennet, Dawkins as the other three), is one of Islam's greatest antagonists. Whilst Hitchens argues against religion itself, Dawkins advocates for science above religion and complete separation, and Dennet for skepticism and philosophical replacements of religious influence, Harris is aiming directly for Islam (And spirituality without religion). In this book, Harris begins his greatest and (I think) most powerful piece: The absolute rejection of faith itself, and its indemnity.
Hey, that's what the title says!

Religion:

In the aftermath of 9/11, Islam became a powerful scapegoat and  fear usable as an excuse for any American intervention in Southwest Asia (The Middle East). Just as Reagan's "Welfare Queen" was a political euphemism for Hispanics (shown again and again to not be the largest receiving demographic), Bush's "Terrorist" was a political euphemism for Arabic People.
It is in this that Harris begins his book, he begins with an anecdote of the last day of a suicide bomber, who succeeded in his attempted jihad against "infidels" in his native country. Harris (and I), however do not find this to be the most horrifying fact of the story, for outside of the actual event, the family and close friends of the bomber laud his actions, claiming he has "Sent the infidels to Hell", and has "honored his family and religion".
Harris continues throughout the book to provide examples of how refusal to address the root of the problem, faith itself, has led multiple countries to the brink of theocracy and medieval brutality. Harris explicitly states that it is this/these belief(s) that embolden jihadists and allow them to "justify" their actions.
Harris, however, also addresses another problem he believes to be filling the niche of Fundamentalist Islam in the United States: Fundamentalist Christianity (The Christian Right). He addresses specific examples of their recalcitrance on affairs the majority of other developed countries have already passed with success and without major repercussion, gay marriage, Stem Cell research, and attitudes towards/actions taken to prevent HIV/AIDS of and by the Christian Right, and the Islamic Right.

Harris, a neuroscientist, whose major works in psychology have actually been the live-action monitoring of brain activity during moments of faith/spirituality, and certainty/uncertainty between religious and non-religious individuals, defines these two states as having similar physical abnormalities to associated reward and egocentric regions of the brain, and that these states "allows otherwise normal human beings to reap the fruits of madness and consider them holy." In effect, Harris claims that it is faith that allows these people to commit these crimes, through motivation, and ignorance of any facts counter to their beliefs.

   The Witch Trials and Holocaust via Religion

In a deviation from Harris' major drive (that many are afraid to actually agree with or individually push forth, par exemple: The Dutch Muhammed "Crisis"), Harris posits that the influence of Christianity throughout the ages, the Inquisition, the Witch trials in Germany, and all persecutions of Jews, he claims is a result of the historic and indelible Antisemitism both Islam and Christianity share. And if you beautiful people have a memory long enough to remember your history and you didn't skip your history classes (Of the youth under 24 years of age surveyed in Germany in 2005, 50% didn't know what the Holocaust was), this concept is axiomatic.

There are gruesome details not needed to be mentioned in this review, i.e. the torture and killing methods used on the "witches" during the trials.
It involves crushing balls.
I'm sorry, you didn't need to know that.
IT INVOLVES CRUSHING TESTICLES.
WITH A HAMMER.
I regret nothing.

Terror: 

• Terrorism is actually a major reason Sam Harris exploded onto the scene in the New Wave of Atheism, after 9/11, Dawkins, Dennet, and Hitchens joined him breaching the public anti-atheism barrier of the U.S. with their  unadulterated criticism of Islam, finally becoming "relevant" to the (relatively) uninformed American public. 

In the next section of his book, Harris expounds on the effects and implications, the motivation and community, and lastly the reasons of terror in the modern Islamic world. Harris continues his assault on faith vicariously through its physical manifestations in the circumstances of "terrorism". Just like the opening anecdote, Harris continues providing examples and explaining multiple occasions where faith has both justified and motivated acts of terror and crimes against humanity through both scripture(s) and cultural manifestations of the religion and faith's results of them. 

Unfortunately, Acts of Terrorism are very hard to prevent just on the basis of a religious denomination, as religion can be of any skin color or appearance, Harris further explains in his debate with Bruce Schneier, "To Profile or Not to Profile".

A majority of the "Terror" subtext of the book can be attributed to the "Religion" subtext, however, this section is almost entirely about Islam and its attacks on other cultures. In it, Harris calls Islam the "cult of death", believing its end goal to be "Spread Islam at all costs", which, unfortunately, is exemplified quite often by higher-powers, specifically the late Ayatollah Khomeini, of the Islamic culture: 

Islam makes it incumbent on all adult males, provided they are not disabled and incapacitated, to prepare themselves for the conquest of other [countries] so that the writ of Islam is obeyed in every country in the world. But those who study Islamic Holy War will understand why Islam wants to conquer the whole world...Those who know nothing of Islam pretend that Islam counsels against war. Those [who say this] are witless. Islam says: Kill all the unbelievers just as they would kill you all! Does this mean that Muslims should sit back until they are devoured [by the unbelievers]?

Islam says: Kill them [the non-Muslims], put them to the sword and scatter [their armies]. Does this mean sitting back until [non-Muslims] overcome us? Islam says: Kill in the service of Allah those who may want to kill you! Does this mean that we should surrender to the enemy? Islam says: Whatever good there is exists thanks to the sword and in the shadow of the sword! People cannot be made obedient except with the sword! The sword is the key to Paradise, which can be opened only for Holy Warriors! There are hundreds of other [Koranic] psalms and Hadiths [sayings of the Prophet] urging Muslims to value war and to fight. Does all that mean that Islam is a religion that prevents men from waging war? I spit upon those foolish souls who make such a claim.

This quote is a notion shared by many in this position throughout the culture, and those beneath it. Acts of terrorism are not just a side-effect of the conquest, they are a requirement.

The Future of Reason:

As almost always in books of nonfiction such as this, there are endings and epilogues giving hope to the reader about the results of the history written in the books. This subtext refers specifically to the ideal future almost every humanist looks forward to. One without anachronisms of rituals, beliefs, and cultural practices, one without brutality towards others who disagree or are born a certain way, one without suppression of freedom; but one with science being the major advocate of the future of the human race, one with people accepting others for how they were born, one with critical thinking to be the final objective of education, one with everyone born has the equal opportunity to become something grand, one with religion not being justification for any behavior, and no ability to indemnify behavior that is conducted in its name, and finally, one with freedom from all the horrors we've committed on ourselves, that we try to rationalize with irrationality that we are not born with, but with what we can choose to believe out of fear, out of hatred, or out of oppression, a future without religion is only one step, but may be one of the most crucial.

And Lastly: My Bit:

I have to say, this book really got to me, I mean, any book that requires me to pull out of dictionary is a book I'll remember for a long time, as well as a book I pay special attention to.

I have to say I enjoy Sam's work pretty well, if you get hooked onto one of his pieces, it's only inevitable you'll read and enjoy the others, it's ineluctable, don't resist.

I mean, look at that face down there.
Look at it.
FUCKING LOOK AT IT.
Resist it, I dare you.

I give it 5 arbitrary things out of 5 arbitrary things.

Dr. Sam Harris

About the Author:

Mr. Harris is a cofounder and the CEO of Project Reason, a nonprofit foundation devoted to spreading scientific knowledge and secular values in society. He received a degree in philosophy from Stanford University and a Ph.D. in neuroscience from UCLA.

And my own personal note, one of my favorite authors, so far, I've read:

"Free Will"

"The Moral Landscape"

"Lying"

I recommend all, and may review "Free Will" and "Lying", if I do,

   it'll be in one post, since they were both rather short compared to the first.

Witty Catchphrase

For Dan